RULES TO HELP FOREIGNERS TO SURVIVE IN ARGENTINA (ENGLISH VERSION)

RULES TO HELP FOREIGNERS TO SURVIVE IN ARGENTINA

By a contradictory native who loves the country but dislikes its society

1. Like any uncivilized country, Argentina has too many rules. However, they are totally ignored by its people. The rules to be presented herein are intended to teach you how to disregard rules so as to behave as an astute native rather than a naive and disoriented tourist.

2. From here on, disregard every rule of this listing. If the rule appears sensible to you this is the best reason to ignore it.

3. Disobeying rules takes time and practice so do not be disappointed if your will is to obey the rule. Keep practicing and disregard rule number 1 and 2.

4. In Argentina, you can ignore, disregard, disobey, dispute, debate rules. What you cannot do, for any reason, is to comply with rules.

5. Using the hazardous light of your vehicle allow you to do whatever you please: parking in the middle of the street, blocking properties entrance lanes, stop and talk to your friend in the center of Main Street, etc.

6. Cars are instruments used to kill people. The wise Government applauds this private initiative because it helps to control the population. The largest the vehicle, the strongest its rights are.

7. Meaning of traffic lights:

Green light: Go

Yellow light: Go

Red light: Go

8. Motorcycles and bikes can ride in any direction, speed, sidewalk, pedestrian lines, etc.

8a. Disregard all previous and future rules. To survive in Argentina disregarding rules has to become second nature to you.

9.  Mondays and any other day of the week do not drive downtown. Picketers block streets, avenues, highways, and airports.

10. Tuesday and/or any other day of the week, any government working group will be on strike so stay at home.

11. Wednesday to Tuesdays, one, two, three or more unions will be impeding everything downtown and suburbs. It is recommended to stay at home.

12. If you plan to go sightseeing, check first your tourist calendar for riots, strikes, pickets, road blockages, and protests.

13. Any good idea that comes up to your mind while staying in Argentina will be sterilized in seconds when you confront your supposed bright idea with the real world.

14. Before going out think carefully if it is absolutely necessary. Whatever your decision is, stay at home. Watching TV is a serious threat to your mental health. Read your guide of Argentina instead.

15. Do not wear fancy clothes, jewelry, expensive watches, while walking in the streets. It is advisable to look like a vagabond and smell bad. Do not shower during the whole visit to the country.

16. Beware of policemen. They are wolfs in sheep´s clothing. If you need a police in Buenos Aires, you are fucked. Stay at home watching videos of Argentina. It is safer and cheaper.

17. Driving in Argentina is war. Your enemies are trucks, buses, other cars, motorcycles, bikes, and pedestrians. Always keep an aggressive attitude against enemies. Casualties are collateral damage so do not panic if you kill a pregnant woman. Just run away and pretend that nothing has happened. In the rare event of being caught the legal system will protect you.

18. Instead of dancing the tango, try the other national pastime: robbery. Practice stealing small things from shops, kiosks, shopping malls, and supermarkets. After a few weeks of doing so, you will be able to apply for practicing laws in Argentina.

19. Shoes are particularly important in the “Queen of the Plate” (a pretentious name for Buenos Aires). Do not wear shoes with tractor-like soles. When you step on dog shit, and believe me sooner or later you will, you might spend a week removing the creamy excrement from the intricate parts of the sole.

20. Trash and thrown away objects are used by Argentinean in a very creative and unique way. Streets, highways, and land are beautifully decorated with great imagination and artistic inspiration. You are urged not to keep trash objects in your pockets or to put them into trash cans. In Rome do as Romans do. Release all your creative potential and throw away everything you can think of. Bear in mind that doing so is not an offense to the country. On the contrary, you are helping millions of natives to create art at every corner of the city.

21. Asshole face. Try your worse imaginable mode when using elevators (lifters). If you smile, say hello or hi or “hola”, you could be accused of homosexual, drug abuser or lunatic.

22. The words “disculpe” (excuse me), “perdón” (I beg your pardon) and “gracias” (thank you) DO exist in the Spanish language. However, you are recommended not to pronounce them in Argentina unless you want to be recognized as a foreigner. Remember that strangers are high-risk targets for the “mustard mug”. This common hold up is so frequent that is totally unnecessary to be explained. If you do not know it, sorry. Just wait until you walk the streets of Buenos Aires.

23. Ignore all precedent and subsequent rules. Pretend to know them all but do not attempt to put them into practice.

24. This is the mother of all rules: rules are meaningless, brainless and a great nuisance for all. They were created to be disregarded. Your individualism, selfish and egoism prevail and overcome any stupid and nonsense regulation.

25. Pickpockets are polite gentlemen. They work quietly, do a clean job and work in cooperation with the police. Always carry some money for them in your pocket. Ignoring this advice could turn them angry and you could suffer a great damage.

26. The money change game. When shopping, always bring currency of all denominations in the hidden pocket near your testicles or in your breast. I am not kidding. This is a serious advice. If you think they are the ones that should have change, forget it. In Argentina, the buyer should always, repeat always, carry change. Otherwise, you run the risk of suffering the choleric response of the salesman.

27. If after reading all these rules you still want to visit Argentina, you by far deserve the welcome the country is preparing for you.

28. Be positive and come to Argentina anyway. The statistics tell that only one every two visitors receive a bad treatment when touring the country. If lucky you could be the one with zero risks. Think that some countries in Africa are worse. But not much.

29. Argentinians are kind, lovely, cherish and affectionate people. From the distance. When you get close to them you will agree with me about these rules and will thank me for the advisement.

30. The last rule.  Read these rules carefully and come to Argentina prepared for the unexpected. The country, as the history tells, could change without previous advice and move in any direction. In that case, all these rules could become obsolete at once and whatever you do or think will work against you. Burundi, Burkina Faso, and Niger offer much better choices for cheap tourism. Why coming to Argentina? Ask yourself once more before going to the airline to buy your ticket. I told you.